man that's a heavy weight you've been carrying alone, and I get why asking for help feels impossible when you've been in survival mode for so long. The thing is, you don't need to fix everything at once or juggle a bunch of different therapists to move forward, you can start with one thing. I came across Better Speech recently and it's all online so you could work with a licensed speech therapist from home without the pressure of in-person appointments, plus it's way more affordable than traditional therapy sessions. You're not beyond help, you're just dealing with a lot of compounding issues that got triggered all at once, and working on the speech part might actually help reduce some of that anxiety and give you back options you thoguht were gone.