I don't know if I want to live anymore

I don't know if I want to live anymore I'm not a very depressed person but the pleasures of life doesn't seem worth the pain anymore. I have a speech impediment (stuttering) and it makes me overthink every single scenario that I encounter, even as simple as buying something from a nearby store. I have so much in my head but what what comes out of my mind is next to nothing (maybe 1-2%). So many people take fluent speech for granted. They don't realize that it's a boon and abuse it like crazy. Every word that comes out of my mouth is counted and overanalyzed. I'm not an introverted person by nature but this impediment forced me to live a life of seclusion. When I see people of my age going to parties and having fun with their friends, I think to myself that I can do that so much better than them if only I was blessed with a fluent speech. I have tried countless speech therapies but nothing seems to work, looks like this shit is permanent. I can't tell stories, I can't be funny, I can't have anything more than a small talk with anyone even if my head is exploding with jokes and ideas. I have a few friends I'm too scared to meet their friends and family, cause I know that I'll stutter and end up embarrassing the people I hold so dear. Also being overly sensitive isn't helping either. As a male, being overly sensitive somehow prevents you from the respect you deserve from the society. People (even my friends) keep forgetting me, sometimes I feel like that I don't even exist and frankly I don't blame them for that. After all how can you remember some ugly ass dude who can't even speak?! As a child I didn't care much about all this, I was less exposed to the world but as I am growing up this shit is starting to get to me. The only reason why I'm trying to hold on to this pathetic life is my mom. After losing her husband 5 years ago to multiple myeloma (blood cancer) she can't afford to lose another loved one. Sometimes I think, what did she do to get a poor life like that (death of her husband, a stuttering kid) but somehow I see her smiling every second, and I don't want to be the one to take that smile away. I have made countless mistakes in my life but I do not want to make this grave one. I know suicide is not the answer and it's just running away but frankly I don't care anymore. I'm trying to hold on for the sake of mom but this shit is getting out of hand and I might snap any day now. There are zero sources of happiness and infinite sources of pain. I don't know if I want to live anymore. Please forgive me for my bad grammar, I'm not a native English speaker. I'm sorry for making an excuse. I'm sorry for being a failure. I'm so sorry for existing.