My week was ok, friday was the last day in college/sixth form in year 13 and I said my goodbyes to people i'll never see again and signed t-shirts etc. It was compulsory to come into school the past few weeks but I didn't bother as nobody else did and inside I was sorta happy as I didn't have to speak to people. It felt weird as i didn't feel any emotional attachment to the school when leaving, i took a photo of the school on snapchat and put it on my mystory with the captions 'bye'. i got some follows on instagram from the rest of the leavers and some people i dont know who are probably in year 12. Afterwards i met up with a group of friends from school who i've known since i was 11 and i stuttered a few times in the conversation, it being especially bad at one point where I stuttered on every word. This hit my self esteem in the balls and you could see it on my face but my friends just ignored it and smiled which for some reason makes me feel more down but at the same time so happy and blessed. :) Later on that evening my family held a BBQ for some guests who were my mum's work colleagues. They were very talkative and talked so fast (like my parents) and this worried me so i stayed outside and grilled all the meat which took around an hour by myself. I eventually had to come in and i sat down and they asked me questions etc. I didn't stutter at all or maybe i did but it wasn't noticeable until they asked me about what I wanted to study at university (which is biochemistry) and i struggled to give even a basic explanation on what biochemistry is about. The words wouldn't come out of my mouth and i eventually finished but i felt so ashamed. The definition of biochemistry brought back memories of the informal interview i had for a university where i just spazzed out after 10 minutes of no stuttering (fortunately i still got the offer :D). Afterwards, i stumbled on my words several times when talking but it wasn't as bad and i showed one of the guests my new computer that i put together and we talked and played on it for a bit. They left not long afterwards and i felt sorta shitty as sssstuttering always puts me down a lot. I just played some GTA V on my PC then went to bed. Sorry if it's a bit long but i guess there's some sort of moral to what i've just typed. - Don't let stuttering get to you, keep your head up high and just stay positive. You'll feel a lot better if you do this. - Tell your friends that you stutter so they won't make fun of you (but to make it fair they can make fun of everything else lol -_-), if they do then they're dicks. - Oh, and see a speech therapist if yours is really bad. I never did but i relied on the internet and it's helped. But fear of stuttering leads me to forget everything and i just end up stuttering again lol so make sure you apply what you've practiced to real life conversations, no matter how long it takes, it's an achievement if you don't stutter! I let stuttering get to me as i have been stuttering since forever. I let it define me as a person and i ended up staying at home on my PC for most of my childhood. So i've always been awkward and shy, i guess i could say i'm an introvert. I did talk a lot but i let my fingers do the talking on some online game called Habbo Hotel. i ended up losing contact with a lot of real life friends i had over the years, saying no to opportunities to hang out etc and instead hiding behind a computer screen. i remember crying myself to sleep thinking what's wrong with me and thinking i was ugly and going to be forever alone etc. i didn't have any motivation in life and i was just ashamed seeing as my parents who grew up from literally mud huts to a 3 bedroom house in london have done so much for me yet i can't even talk without stuttering. What happened next is what i sorta call the grey period, i just ended up forgetting and socialised a lot more with people in school, i would stutter here and there but i was a lot more confident so it helped. I distracted myself with hobbies such as being in a band and sports such as swimming. i also participated in the Duke of Edinburgh Bronze and Silver Award and loads of other stuff. Everything has gotten even better as i have a beautiful girlfriend now who doesn't care that i stutter and she's someone who i could see myssself settling down with so i really don't want to lose her even though im still like 19 lmao. I'm scared for Uni and the future. No, i'm not scared for either of those, im just still scared of stuttering and that's the problem. I have to be confident, i have to apply everything i've practiced to real life conversations, i have to be the real me locked behind this invisible sound barrier. I'm still working on those points and i can already feel myself cringing because of stuttering. Sorry for my rant and boring story :S i just needed somewhere to let this all out. Here's to hoping I outgrow it >.<