Its hard

Its hard My dad is sick, he will retire in 1 year, im still in college, there hasnt been a single night that i havent thought of killing myself. I cant do it, i really wanna be strong and ive been fighting it so harddd but i just cantt, the feeling of being a failure, i have no hope, i have given up everything, i dont know how to get rid of it, if it doesnt go away i cant live with it, im afraid to make a phone call, im ashamed when im with my girl and we order food or when i need to ask for something, i just hate myself to the last details, the future scares me.