First, you're not alone. I am in my 40s now, but I was a very severe stutterer and I related to every single thing you said. I won't sugar coat things, I was a hot mess, especially in the first half of my 20s. I was purely in survival mode, living in a nightmare, and white knuckled my way through. Fortunately things came into my life that became a seed of change. There are too many things to write down here. But I believe it has to happen organically. I know it sounds crazy, but please know it's possible to get what you want and its particularly possble to be at peace with your stutter. Just keep going. Expose yourself to ideas. Some will click, some won't. and GO OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Consistently. If you ever want to chat, DM me