Yeah, I really like your first point. This particular type of stutter ("M-m-maybe") is very well represented in pop culture. It'd be really great to see other types of disfluencies depicted. I also wish I'd slept on my own comment a bit, because now that I'm thinking about it (and this comment really swings it home), using dashes in that specific way is probably not what you're even looking for. In the sense of dialog, it seems like the character is saying the 'm' sound, stopping, saying again, stopping, etc. It's repetition instead of prolongation. "Mmmaybe" is really a more accurate phonetic portrayal of the stutter you're (seemingly) going for, whereas dashes look far more fitting for syllable repetitions. However, I don't see issue with the "Despite his trouble..." line, as it seems like this thought is coming from Monty, not the narrator. Kids aren't always totally enlightened right away, even if they think they are. Maybe this minor flaw gives Monty some room to grow during the course of the story, as well.