Of course I cannot relate to you 100% but I have experienced alot of what you have as well. My stutter I feel is from my parents putting me down and constantly putting me under the pressure to overachieve like my brother. It scarred me as a child as well and I still have resentment towards them for that. I also believe that it is complete bullshit that people don't judge you. EVERYTHING matters. But here is where I have good news. Other people have problems and insecurities as well. I.e: Being short, ugly, stupid, fat etc. I have a friend in a wheelchair who is the most outgoig person ever, even though considering the fact he is otherwise completeley screwed. Look at r/short for example those guys are even more pessimestic then us....but me and you we can work on to improve our nonstuttering insecurties. And given most stutterers are extremely driven people we can therefore be successful at other stuff relatively easily too. I mean your doing IT, that speaks volumes on your intelligence I look at myslef as a game character with various attributes. Where we lack in one place I feel can compensate for in other places, and build our character that way. And honestly we don't know what effect each of those improvements have. that is the best we can do and I feel that is motivation enough for me to at least try and improve.