That sounds fucking miserable. :( Please open up to someone IRL about how you're feeling. I'm not going to say your situation doesn't suck, but there are options that you're not currently seeing because you're in so much pain. You have things to offer the world, people you can help, and skills you can use, even if you don't know what they are yet. Open up and let others help you get help. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone.