postr/StutterDecember 11, 2019

I feel sick

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Content

I feel sick I just feel sick to the fucking stomach, i feel like im worthless. I moved to a new high school this year, and it sucks My old friends moved to the same school aswell and i see them make new friends and stuff and i haven't made any and i feel dumb, whenever i try to talk i just cant get a word out so i just give up. most of the conversations i have with my classmates is small talk whether its hi or how are you doing and stuff, I can't seem to express the real me because of my stammer/stutter. whenever i try to talk with my parents about it they either make fun of me or tell me that im seeking attention and if i just dont think about it ill be fine. I have a parrot and they saw me trying to teach him how to talk, my father said "oh your teaching him how to say h-h-h-h-hi" then he laughed it off with my mom as if they are joking or some shit ( which really sticked with me ever since then i feel as if i cant talk with my parents anymore) and at school i told my teacher in private that i stutter and i hope it won't affect my grades, he then yelled infront " YOU DON'T STUTTER YOU JUST TELL YOURSELF THAT" and shit and it made me feel as if im not trying hard enough and worthless. Anyways what made me really depressed is that, Today i had a video call interview for a pre-college programm to help me prepare for my major. I wanted to say Hi but i was stuck on the letter H So i went H-h-h-h-h-h-h till the person on the other end of the interview just hanged up. i just feel as if im sick in the stomach now,weak and embarrassed. I just thought sharing this would help me cope with it. And im sorry if this was to much to read . I've been unsure if whether i should post this or not but fuck it

Themes

Anticipation & AvoidanceEmotional ExperienceIdentity & DisabilitySocial & Relationships

Subthemes

Feared Words & NamesAvoidance & SubstitutionShame & EmbarrassmentAnxiety & Social JudgmentStigma & BullyingFamily Support & Conflict

Codes (1)

telephone_video