Acceptance and self kindness have been transformative, but it does still sting occasionally.

Acceptance and self kindness have been transformative, but it does still sting occasionally. I’m just reflecting really, something I don’t do too often now when it comes to stuttering after having it consume so much of my mental capacity throughout my life, I’m almost done with giving it any more. I’ve mostly just learnt to accept that it is what it is and that it’s a creation that will do its own thing and can’t really be controlled. And this mindset has brought me the most contentment I’ve ever had in my life. I’m 37 now, 20s were a frustrating and tiring period but also I was in denial, I had an obsession with fixing the stutter. I suppose in extension to the stutter fixing the anxiety, did the stutter cause the anxiety, or the other way round? Probably now I can say it’s a bit of both. Anyway I tried self help books, meditation, nootropics, different nutrition, speech therapy, normal therapy - the hunt was obsessive and continuous. My 30s rolled in and a depressive episode slowly edged its way in. I think it was when I lost my will to keep searching for a “fix” for this. I became very apathetic and nihilistic, eventually resulting in a breakdown of sorts. Anyway the past 3-years have been transformative in that my acceptance has become stronger, and it’s brought a contentment I’ve never had before. I’ve tried to accept that large social events will unfortunately forever be a drain for me. With 2-3 people I can manage it better and find the “moment” better to start my speech, and the people generally give me space and patience to do my manoeuvring. In a large group situation this is mostly impossible as discussion is more chaotic and abrupt, people butting in, words being thrown around, my careful manoeuvring easily gets trampled on, it’s too stressful. It stings somewhat because I’ve always felt inside that I could have been a socially adept person, who leans into being extroverted, who was a bit of a joker. And more so in my 20s this did show up occasionally (particularly if I was drunk, which was not a valid cure). The more introverted, loner, reserved mentality for sure feels like it has been amplified due to the stutter, and thus creating a different me as a result. And sometimes I feel like that is a shame, but then I suppose we’re all byproducts of our environment, all we can do is deal with the cards we’ve been dealt and adapt. I’m not entirely sure the point of this post. Did any of you guys have a similar journey?