damn man, I've been there, multiple times, but it's a trap you're making for yourself, a paradox. This is because you realize there is no escape, no escaping your speech impediment, no escaping how others will see you, no escaping the embarassment and so you hide. I did the exact same thing, it led me to being a complete recluse, a hermit and it leads to depression. You know you stutter, others dont, this can be an advantage or an obstacle, you get to choose. That's one of the beauties of having an impediment, you can go with it or you can fight it, guess which is worse?