I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling :( I have a stutter too and I 100% relate to everything you’re saying. I tried fluency shaping speech therapy for over 10 years (age 13-25ish). I gave up because it wasn’t working and I even felt it made things worse - I was taught that if I worked hard enough, I could “get rid” of my stutter. That’s just not true. A couple years ago I moved to NYC and my sister found me a new kind of speech therapy - it’s through the American institute for stuttering (AIS). It helps you embrace your stutter and prevent it from holding you back in life. It has CHANGED MY LIFE. As silly as it sounds, I never realized that stuttering openly was an option. I was always taught to hide it. This therapy helps you reduce what’s called “avoidance behaviors” (e.g. filler words, word substitution, repeating words, etc) and stutter in a forward moving way that helps you communicate better. I recommend this therapy and organization to all adults who stutter - it is truly incredible. As hard as I know it is, please don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s something I’m trying to work on as well. Self compassion is so important! Your stutter isn’t your fault and it’s so important to work towards not being ashamed of it (believe me, as someone who literally wanted to d*e because of it, I know how hard that last part is).