I can really relate man. I spent most of my adult life doing everything I could to hide my stutter. I’d keep quiet, substitute words, and even say things I don’t actually believe or want just because it was easier to say that particular word at that particular time. And it was absolutely EXHAUSTING. Being always on edge, always mentally calculating every possible word permutation… just talking about that previous sucks the energy out of me. I changed when I first reached out to stuttering support groups 5 years ago (I’m now 33) and started hanging out with PWS who had embraced their stutter and advocated stuttering openly and proudly (before that, I never in a million years would’ve put the words “stutter” and “proud” in the same sentence). And I can tell you it’s been life changing. Now I say whatever the hell I wanna say. I’m open about my stutter, disclose it when I first join a new team at work, and no longer hold myself back. It’s become sooo much easier to make friends and just feel authentic for once. It wasn’t easy to do at first tho. I’d spent the first 28 years of my life deeply ashamed of it, and tbh I STILL have some of that internalised shame, but the more I’ve been practising being open and proud, the more natural it’s become to stutter openly. It’s like my whole personality has slowly but irrevocably changed over the past 5 years. And get this, those kids in your school who stutter openly, I’m pretty sure they were just as ashamed as you about it at some point. I’m pretty sure their parents brought them to stuttering support groups and therapists who advocated embracing their stutter and stuttering openly. They didn’t magically wake up one day and embrace their stutter. I’d recommend you reach out to them man, tell them how hard you find it to stutter openly and ask them what their experience has been like. PWS are usually really empathetic, I’m sure they’ll introduce you to a whole new world of seeing things. And if you’re not too comfortable with them, then reach out to the stuttering support groups in your country. The US has FRIENDS which is aimed at young PWS and does an absolutely fantastic job at helping young PWS realise they have nothing to hide and can be whoever they want to be.