I’m just going to throw in an alternative view: maybe the onus should be on your wife to respond differently rather than on you to speak differently. Her feelings are valid, but that doesn’t mean they are correct. If you are honestly just speaking louder because that’s how the word is coming out, and she knows that, then she can learn to respond differently. She can just learn to recognize that that means you are having a hard time getting a word out, not that you are angry.