See it’s complex because when I was suffering my mum was severely depressed, and my dad started drinking. My brother smashed the house up every day so you know, things weren’t great. It’s complex also because my mum used to say to me “if you need any help you can always talk to me about anything”.. but she’d say this and be crying every day. Of course I didn’t want to “open up”. I do take responsibility for not doing so though, because I could have. I just think a lot of kids in my situation wouldn’t have done also due to the circumstances at home. I began to be late for school and my room was constantly a mess which isn’t like me. I can be late for things now but I’m very tidy etc and my mum used to attack me for it because she felt helpless with me, she tells me now. She’d say horrible things in anger and yeah. It was horrible and I internalised all of her words and believed I was a “stinky girl who was going to end up on the streets”. I’ve confronted her about how she made me feel many times and after the constant denial and defensiveness we have finally turned a corner in her admitting why she said those things and how she didn’t mean them. She does love me and would do anything for her children I think that’s why it’s so complex. It’s almost like as a kid I knew I had this unconditional love and yet I was being attacked and neglected so it felt even more deserved? She tries to compensate now. However, I’ve dropped in a few covert comments over the phone about my stutter to her recently. When I couldn’t get a word out I’d say “god I can’t even speak” and she’d say “you can”. But never.. you know, oh yeah do you wanna talk about it? Idk. I love my family and my friends, I just think my family struggled a lot throughout my developing years which has fucked me up a bit, but we’re all in a better place now thank god and I’m getting there. I have great friends too.