Does anyone has ever felt extremly bad about themselves at a deep level because of stuttering?

Does anyone has ever felt extremly bad about themselves at a deep level because of stuttering? Most of the time i have ideas of hurting myself and i wanna stop it, but i cant do it. I wanna get rid of it but it doesnt go away, most of the time i find myself crying in the room all night and this clenching feeling that i have in my throat doesnt go away, i feel like someone is suffocating me when i feel bad, sometimes i manage to treat it with positivity and get away with it, im in college with my girlfriend, i think every scenario ahead of the time, when we have plans like even 1 month from now on going somewhere, a restaurant or something, i cant help my brain but it thinks automatically of the way i will talk and the way i will stumble when ordering, because i wanna order the food and do everything for my girl, but this way of living it has deattached me from the reality, im always livingin the future thinking of what will happen, there has been like years maybe when i havent been present in a moment but always thinking of the situations where i would need to talk, theres not a single night that i dont think about hurting myself and ending this thing all for once. Why is it this hard? i just dont get it because i really wanna get better, i am fit, i eat healthy, i work hard on everything but nothing of those doesnt matter at the end of the day because i feel like shit every night when i get to bed?? I really wanna be strong, im not a depressive person, i try to help my best but it never goes away, im waiting like 7-8 years because i have seen someone with time has healed from it but i havent, i maybe have gotten better but its still there, i would lobotomize myself, i would everything in my power, i would rather be mute and not speak at all than this? God this is so tiring. Ive tried self-treating, i havent never gone to therapy myself, ive tried self-treating, i found gym a very fond place, i gained my confidence a bit and there has been 4-5 years that i havent stopped going, i have tried vitamins, healthy diet, ashwagandha, b vitamins to lower anxiety, nothing has really helped that much, still in the end the whole dream comes to an end and you still end up stuttering in front of the person at the reception when trying to pay a bill or order food. I still face my ugly self everyday no matter what, how can i help it? I literally have tried everything bro? Literally everything im tired?