You can stop blaming yourself without giving up on yourself. It's not your fault and your situation is definitely not because you didn't work hard enough. But it's also not true that you haven't no ability to change your situation. You can't change it now because you don't know how. Most of us can't on our own and we need to find good help. But you can stop blocking. That is within your control, unlike fluency. Finding good help is the hard part, but it can absolutely help you help yourself to make changes.