This will always keep me from reaching true happiness
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This will always keep me from reaching true happiness On paper my life looks decent. I'm in my early 20s and by god's grace, I have a full-time job as a Security Consultant. where I speak with a lot of clients' leadership on a daily basis. My company does not care about my stutter and even gave me a full-time offer a month into the internship. I am good at the technical part of my job and I can manage the speaking aspect of it too and my stutter was never pointed out anywhere, matter of fact I was encouraged to lead more meetings as I always delivered good insights. I did pray for this exact job as I always wanted to be in a role where I had to speak, thinking it'll make my stutter better. Since this worked in the past and my stutter improved a lot, but for the past few years I've been stuck around 85 - 90% fluency. My family and friends tell me my stutter is not as bad as I think it to be, But I don't know how to explain that I still stutter but my blocks are shorter and it's still exhausting to speak since I am always on alert to catch words that I know i'll stutter on. It's like a battle inside my mind, but I look normal from the outside. I am at a point where I just want to be happy, and technically I should be, given that I am in a career that I want and at a company where I'm treated good. But this freaking stutter is always around like the devil, no matter what I achieve in life it doesn't give me the same happiness as speaking fluently, there was a short time in my life, where I barely stuttered for a couple of months and after some introspection, I came to a conclusion that I am the most happiest when I am able to speak fluently. I don't know if this is depression or not, but I am not proud of myself nor happy with myself with where I am in life and nothing seems fun or exciting anymore in life except the days where I am super fluent. sorry for the long post, but i'm looking for advice on how to live life to the fullest and actually be happy, even with the thought of stuttering always lingering around.