Man this post made me cry. if I lost control of my fluency I think I would literally be out of a job. As a nurse, being able to communicate really well is so key to helping people and fulfilling my role. The thought gives me anxiety. I'd like to say one thing first off. 1. Most suicides are impulsive. Most people who try to commit suicide and have been stopped, never attempt it again. I'm not saying that what you are going through is not bad enough to warrant thinking about suicide. But understand that suicidal ideation is usually not normal thinking. In other words you are not being "rational". At this point in time, you need to speak to someone and pull yourself back from that edge. I cannot stress this enough. No amount of fluency advice will help if you are dead. Anxiety and Depression (clinical or situational) is highly treatable. If you are in the UK you should be able to access treatment for that at little to no cost. Taking care of yourself and being an active participant in your mental wellbeing is a great way to get off the web and video games and give you some control. it also exposes you to people with similar problems and offers a new perspective. You may even make some friends. I think that what you feel is a loss of control over how you communicate, and how you are perceived. It is degrading to be unable to communicate the way you want and people can be thoughtless. You have a whole lifetime of shame and embarrassment built up and you have reached the end of your tether. I would say you need coping skills that are beyond the scope of this subreddit. If I were you, I'd see a mental health professional ASAP. It's not a magical fix, and likely will not affect your speech. But just the act of doing something, making goals, venting, and speaking to a nonjudgmental person, will give you more agency and control which in my opinion, you sorely need. One last thing, being happy is not a destination. Bringing someone else into your life will not make you happy. YOU have to make YOU happy first and the rest will just follow. If you ever want to chat or message, feel free.