It sounds like you're both trying and putting a lot of pressure on yourself. If you were 5'8 and not smart enough to earn a Comp Sci degree would your situation be less tragic or painful? I know you're pouring your heart out and venting as nihilisticly as you can to explore to us how grave your situation is. Your outlook and attitude are pretty awful and unhelpful, which I'm sure you know. I feel for you and it is tough. You may feel you're hopeless but I don't. I've met many people who have really difficult stutters. I was severe, but also met people a lot more severe than me too. If I were you I would either finish your degree to take a break and focus as much time and money as you can afford to take back control of your life from your stutter.  I agree with your therapist on the value of willingness of show stuttering, but it if you don't feel like it's productive or productive enough, you might need to find someone more capable for a case like yours. The conference is good for exposing yourself to people who may have had similar stories or meeting therapists you might connect with. If you're already not planning on going, just go ahead and apply for the scholarship. You probably won't get it but then you're in the same situation. If you do get it that's a bonus. That aside, I would talk to your SLP about how you're feeling about your work together and see if it's working for you. Even if she thinks it is but you don't, you can look for another, more experienced therapist.  The suicidal are difficult for sure, but if there are still things to try and any part of you that wants to keep trying, keep trying. I was glad to read you got rid of the gun. As bad as your stutter and down as your spirit may be, I don't think there's nothing you can do to make it a little better. You make it a little better and see where it takes you. Don't believe everything you think about yourself or your circumstance.