This is what I meant when I said that I "know all this", I know that people doesn't care whether you stutter or not, they are busy being themselves. And if they do care, how does that matter? The point is that I hate it. The feeling of not beeing able to communicate, saying what you actually want to say. Instead you have to take these detours and wander in this big jungle, when you could have gone straight to the target. This is what frustrates me so much. When people think I am unintelligent because I talk in a very constructed way, I use words I don't want to use because I can't say the word I want to. And when people just run me over with their fluent speaking. Say I am in an argument with someone and they accuse me of something, this is by the way when I stutter the most (when things get "serious"), and I just sit there and take it. If I try to defend myself, say how it really is, nothing comes out, and the other person feel like they "won" the thing. This one of the reasons why I am scared, I am tired of being the fucking loser. I am not an idiot, I know that, I have what it takes to become someone. God! It's so terrible, fuck sake. The idea of me ending up in a bad, tiring, awful job because I can't do what I love. I know what you mean when you say I just have to dare, but when I stand there face to face with the person who hires people I can't make myself understood - I am a mute god damnit. The difference is that mute people actually can speak thanks to sign language. I think I never have been able to tell people what I actually want to tell them. It is is ridiculous.