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Stuttering;Disconnect Living as a covert stutter for 20 years has left me with a catastrophic hole in my spirit, connection to others has been skewed for so much of my life that I feel completely inhumane. Less than a man; for lack of better description. I feel as if life is passing by. I just stroll through the motions hoping that I can blend in, possibly escape this communication prison/life prison. Hoping on a prayer. Struggling everyday, watching others fly through life. Their mouths moving a mile a minute. Expressing everything that their mind desires. No anxiety in their manner of expression, just fluency. Creative freedom. As of less than a year ago I started to stop the masking of my stuttering via substitution/avoidance/other tricks to avoid disfluency at all costs in hopes of expression and bettering my social opportunities/job opportunities. After close to a year of trying to speak as if I didn't have stutter ( by this I mean trying to say exactly what comes to mind no avoidance or substituting words just pushing through attempting to say what I would if I didn't stutter). Needless to say its been a long year. two steps forward and seven steps back in both confidence and faith that I will someday be okay with my stutter. I've held such a positive attitude for so long fighting day in and day out. The constant battle from word to word, sentence to sentence, conversion to conversation has beat me as of recent though. malnourished my life of hope. Here I stand in the present alone and disconnected. Completely lost in this world of hasty communication. Am I the piece of the puzzle that just didn't fit? I can't make sense of this curse. I still can't accept this as my life, the feeling of being so limited is something I can't swallow. My stomach won't agree with it. My sanity is starting to slip in this isolationist state. I can't even connect with my mother, I try so hard but my vocals inhibit dull, lackluster socialization. keeping me from freeing my mind, body, and soul as well as opening up to this interactive society we dwell in. I can't stand losing touch with reality, I don't understand what this is or where I could possibly be going