I hear you on the anxiety. When I was in my early 20's I lived in a mountain state college town. The college area was across a river from the downtown area where all the bars were. Every time I crossed the bridge heading to the bars my anxiety would get so bad I'd be dry heaving over the rail, staring at the river below and thinking of jumping. Never did because i knew the drop wasn't big enough to kill my dumb ass and then I'd just have to talk to a paramedic I didn't know. I never sought professional help and in retrospect i should have. I self medicated with reefer and booze. I took too much acid and mushrooms because nothing makes your problems go away like losing your mind for a few hours. I spent as much time in the mountains and deserts as I could, hiding from other people. When I wasn't hiding in the wilderness i hid in books, reading Bukowski, Abbey and Thompson like a crazed crack head. Slowly, slowly, I killed all the dreams I had that involved other people and in that void I learned to love myself. But there are days that I still feel like an emotional cripple because I didn't deal with my anxiety in an healthy way back then. A person should be able to dream of love and companionship. And please note, I'm not trying to tell you to "man up." I hate that Fucking term. More than anything, I just want you to understand you have worth. My first response was everything I wish I could have told 19 year old me. Cheers!