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I'm sorry friends.. A wonderful restlessness inside me constantly bothers me, makes me angry, irritable and a little disappointed with life. I'm tired of doing overly repetitive jobs without human contact when there are so many other things in life. It makes me crazy not to be able to exchange ideas. Of course people will say: "It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty that you're still dealing with this." But I know that this is not exactly how things work, that there is no difference in playing polyannism. I hate the feeling of pity. Just trite words. No one, no one knows what happened. Yes, yes, even the doctors.. It's not fair. I've been putting up with this a lot for years. Without thinking that everyone around me will look like a complete idiot every time you open your mouth, it's not fair for them to go on with their lives without worrying. I wonder if they can understand how this feels? I'm losing my self-respect more and more, and my anger is increasing as much as the things I've lost. Basically, I haven't done anything to deserve this constant mental fatigue and anxiety when I have to talk to people. And I'm very angry about it. I don't want different points of view. I don't want the ridiculous justice of me and God either. He should stop talking nonsense like being grateful. I am not responsible for the hungry children in Africa, those who died in wars, those who were forced to leave their countries. Is life a numerical lottery? We are drowning in thousands of ridiculous lotteries every day. So when was he born? or what we gained afterwards! lotteries? Isn't it a terrible thing that we have to live in this every day? There is no free will. There is only death, I am waiting for him, not knowing when he will save me. I miss this feeling that I didn't know, I want to go back to him.