Your stuttering isn’t the problem, and it’s okay to stutter. You need to find professional help as you are succumbing to a very negative worldview of your stutter. If you don’t have the resources or money to afford professional help, I do recommend books from the library. You can ask them to purchase “Life on Delay” by John Hendrickson. It will open up wounds for you and help you evaluate your feelings on your stutter. Shameless plug as I am a chapter leader, but please look for a local National Stuttering Association chapter. They’re linked here: https://www.westutter.org/join-a-chapter