Feeling low for the past couple weeks/months, i'd like to tell this community due to a lack of an outlet.

Feeling low for the past couple weeks/months, i'd like to tell this community due to a lack of an outlet. Hey guys/gals, This is my first serious post where i'm just saying whatever comes to mind. A little context, i'm 20, male and I have the blocking kind of stutter, have had it since I can remember and it has gotten no better (maybe worse) in the past couple of years. I think what's so interesting about having a stutter is the pschology behind it. I come from a family where my one sibling and mother were very vocal and what I would consider alpha or dominating in every respect. This has undoubtedly had an effect on who I consider myself to be and my personality. And goddamnit it pisses me off. I have so much self loathing for no real reason at all other than I cannot successfully communicate with people 90% of the time. I find I am often misunderstood and cannot communicate my ideas and this, I feel, has stunted my growth, both as a person and my knowledge/experience of the world. I want to go experience things, I want to talk to people, have relationships, explore the sexual world and all of this is impeded by my impedement. It's a vicious cycle of discovery, attempts at doing whatever I had in mind, then self loathing at the failure of my efforts. I have sought many avenues to explore my own mind and get a grip on myself, all which I feel are just things masking the truth of facing my stutter, owning it, but this is incessantly embarassing and humiliating that I find myself feeling very low most days. If i'm not drowning my consciousness with drugs, I am chasing the next "high", the next object that will validate me. In the end I know it is all nonsense and I am avoiding the real problem, much like avoiding a difficult word or sound. I don't know what to do, I have given foolhardy, superficial advice on here, but I dont take it to heart or seriously and in a disciplined manner, apply it to my own life. I was watching a video the other day of a female comedian who stutters and it was so difficult to watch(I actually had to turn it off), but all I could think of were the people's reactions and how all of them were sure to have some kind of reaction other than, "oh it's just another person". You're labeled, judged and looked upon with such harsh judgment and it is inescapable. You could not give a shit and live your life (which seems the sensible thing to do), but it doesn't take away from the fact of the inherent differing of you from the masses. And this is very disheartening when you are just looking for validation amongst your peers. Can't think of anything positive right now, so i'll stop here. Truly, thank you to anybody reading and I hope my negativity hasn't brought anyone else down. I feel a little better just being able to vent. Take it easy, later.