I think... I'm not quite sure how this fits together, but this: -When I let it get to me. I mean, yeah, I stumble sometimes, but it's not news anymore. I'm almost 40, I've been doing this for over 3 decades. Why does it feel strangely new each time it caches me off-guard? -Maybe it's that it is indeed a terrible event each time it lands. So I guess that's what I find the hardest. It's such a struggle, and it doesn't go away, and I can never seem to predict or be properly ready for it. See how I can't decide on the right angle? Anyways, yeah, that's frustrating. Maybe it's part of the frustration. Maybe that frustration is the worst frustration. No, I'm getting things confused now...