:( this is forever my life

:( this is forever my life I've tried looking for a therapist but they all cost too much for just 1 fucking session (around £100 wtf is that scam..). It's not worth it to get help I'm going to always be like this as long as I have this stutter (stutter is permanent) so, the only way I see to escape this is to just kill myself lol. My old friends weren't really friends I just hung out with them because if I didnt I'd have no one. When the "popular" kids would pass us they would literally tell me to stay where I am or carry on walking to not be seen with me, then when they're gone they will come back to me and act like nothing happened. They knew I had no one else and so they used me, I used to get free school meals and so they'd make me give them my free school meal ticket, which meant I'd go starving :( My ex finally realised after a 6 month relationship that I was a useless fuck and broke up with me (we were friends for 10 years). My own mum/brothers and other irrelevant family members don't understand what I go through everyday, they tut/moan/shout whenever I stutter (when my mums in another room this is where she shouts cuz she thinks im ignoring her when im trying to say what i want.. :( ). I mean, I'm 20 now, how the fuck am I going to get a job when I cant even say my own fucking name lol i'm so fucking retarded lol, life isn't worth it, people act like they care when they dont or just in it for the money (referring to therapist thing). I've said this before, if it was proven that when you die you come back to life then I would 100% kill myself without any thought to it and hope to come back a normal person. Right now in college I literally have no friends because like who the fuck wants to be friends with someone who can't even speak at 20 years old lol. This is my life, this is who I will be for the rest of my life. People who say suicide is selfish are the same people who probably make someone feel like complete shit to the point where they want to end their own lives. I've hid from my family that I'm depressed for the past like 13 ish years lol, whatever that's nothing I can hide it from them for the next 60 or however many years I have left lol (i dont plan on speaking to anyone in my family anymore when I move out and get a stable job so fuck it lol i'll tell them all how i really think about them then block them from everything and not say where I live lol easy). People who don't stutter do not know how it feels to go to a job interview, sit in the chair, and then have to go on to introduce yourself where the first letter of your name is the hardest thing you'll ever pronounce. I'd trade anything, my arm, my leg, blind in 1 eye, permanently deafness, anything to be able to communicate with people like a normal fucking human being, deep down that won't ever happen and me and everyone else knows it. One of my weaknesses is seeing other people going through what I have, it just makes me feel like complete fucking shit and even more depressed, because I'm the only person who deserves to feel like this :( Don't worry about me lol i'll be fine, I'm still holding onto hope that one day this stutter that makes me a complete fucking retard goes away.