It feels good not being alone in the world

It feels good not being alone in the world Sometimes I feel incredibly alone and isolated, I feel sorry for myself, and my hatred towards everybody else grows steadily as I go further and further into myself. It sure is a dangerous path, yet I visit it on a regular basis. It's a frustration larger than anything I've ever experienced. But, this sub is a sanctuary, I read your posts and I recognize and symphatize. The feeling of being all alone disappears. I need to discuss with other stutteres, I've come realize. So, thanks for your existance. Lately I've had a rather rough time, more than usual, sometimes I actually forget my stutter and just go on with my life, but recently it has bugged me more than ever. I'm getting older, and for every year that pass, it gets more serious and out of hand. Not the stuttering itself necessarily, but my attitude towards it. I have neglected it for most of my life, thinking it belonged to somebody else. I would forget my embarassing situations basically immediately after they were over, a classic psychological behaviour, and I went on with my day, not dwelling on it. This might seem like a good thing, but I think it was a form of escapism, and as I wrote earlier, I felt as if I wasn't the one stuttering. It was my annoying, irritating cousin. Just trying to make the whole thing clear. With all that said, I've started to become more and more aware of this issue. I'm no longer surrounding myself with walls of protection, I'm facing it dead on. And that is really difficult, I've never been so sad and depressed in my life. But I think it's the right way to go, the only way is forward, isn't it? I guess I'm right in the middle of the acceptans process. It took some time to get there, and it sure isn't over yet, I'm actually just in the start come to think of it. I'm still ashamed, but less than before, and I still hide and feel very insecure. I'm not comfortable speaking to strangers, or people I don't know well, if they don't know that I stutter. So I'm slowly starting to grasp the whole philosophy of transparency and honesty, and that it really works in the matter of stuttering. But I'm still too scared to open up to people I don't know well, I hope I will get there some day, anyway. I'm tired of staying silent, it actually separates me from the world, slowly but surely. I have been hiding for so long, my entire life more or less, and it takes so much effort. Being sad and bitter is more exhausting than being happy and optimistic. Another thing that is annoying is that I know all the ingredients to make this recipe work, but that I don't dare to use them. I'm afraid how it will turn out, the result is always scary, and the consequences that follow. Sometimes I feel like such a child, I'm so insecure and full of anxiety, I contemplate over other people's thoughts a lot and feel like everyone was against me. My mind is moronic and it doesn't want me good, it's careless. As you can see, my mind is kind of busy, and this stuff sure keeps me busy. Well, thanks for reading.