I can see you’re in a lot of distress and it’s okay to let it all out. It’s hard and at times seems hopeless. In my experience being open about my stuttering and telling people what’s going on when it happens, has not only given me a better sense of control but also shown me how patient people actually are and how many people are impacted by it too ( whether it’s themselves or a relative). A lot of your anguish is coming from self judgement and it’s okay to feel this way bc there’s not worse curse then having the words but not having the physical ability to actually say it. I know it’s hard but try not to be so hard on yourself and know that ppl are probably not judging you as much as you think. Big hugs op.