I'm sorry that you're going through this. Our minds are problem solving machines, so it makes sense that your mind would bring up non existance as a solution to so much pain, specially if you tried different approaches and it felt insufficient. Wanting to not be here any more is a normal response, but it also takes away everything that ever mattered or can matter. Isolation is scary and not having anyone to talk to is worse. If you want to try one last time you can dm me (I'm an evidence based therapist) and I can help you find someone or help myself. I hope you find some relief in your life ♥️