It sounds like stuttering is negatively affecting your quality of life in a big way. If you choose to seek speech therapy, you may find that it's more worthwhile to be able to say the things you want, even if you stutter, than avoiding words and self-expression in fear of stuttering. Also, if you are feeling suicidal ideation of any sort - you are valuable, and taking your life isn't worth it. Please seek out someone who can help talk you through this stuff - it's pretty heavy.