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I’m in a cage I feel like I’m trapped in my own body because of my stutter. Especially as someone who is naturally extroverted and as someone who values beauty - and desires to make my speech and my every word sound beautiful - this is hell. It got so bad that I attempted suicide in November. I’m working on finding an SLT in the new year and seeing a psychiatrist so I can get tested for borderline personality disorder (maybe this will help). The anguish you get from not being able to express yourself as you want to, or even do basic human communication, truly is something else. I wonder if anyone can really understand us without experiencing it firsthand. I’m a final year university student and I have no friends - I haven’t had a set of friends since I immigrated to this country 7 years ago. Either I scared them off because of my stutter, I ghost them after meeting them for the first time, or I avoid people altogether. However, I do talk to some of them online, which is my only consistent source of non-family communication outside besides my international online friends. Some of you might tell me to just talk to people anyways and see where it gets me. I’m sorry but I cannot stand it, especially when I know that my stutter and the inhibitions and mental illnesses that developed due to it are preventing me from expressing myself fully and authentically. Honestly right now, I’m just praying for all of us. Not even religious but I hope our pain and loneliness is relieved. And I’m committed to doing everything in my power to get me out of this cage in 2025.