The parallel reality we live in as stutterers.

The parallel reality we live in as stutterers. It's lunchtime, I’m in the cafeteria at work. Normally, every employee pays with a badge. But today, the badge is not working. From where I’m standing, at the beginning of the line (there are about fifteen people ahead of me, serving themselves), I understand that the cashier is asking each person to say their name when paying so she can look for them in the database and process the transaction manually in the system. Ok. now, let's stop here. For most people, this is a non-event, something forgotten within seconds, something that doesn’t even register as a problem. For stutterers, there’s no need to explain what *the* problem is, what is the source of stress in this situation—it’s so obvious. So, nervously, I serve myself food, grab utensils, etc, all while pretending not to notice the moment creeping closer. I hear each person ahead of me say their first and last name, and the closer I get to the cashier, the more the pressure is, the faster my heart races. There’s no escape. Again : First name, last name. First name, last name. People say theirs with such ease, without even noticing their lack of effort. My turn comes. My neighbor is talking to me about something else: but I'm not even listening, I'm already elsewhere, already in the future, thirty seconds from now, when I'll have to say those words. No matter how much we try to act calm—because we’re used to it—the pressure is still there. Stutterers hate unexpected situations like this, especially when there’s a waiting period before the moment to speak. Then, the inevitable arrives: I have to say my name. It’s like playing the lottery, like Russian roulette. Today, it goes smoothly—what a relief. Other times, it doesn’t. A victory that isn’t really a victory. Because it’s random, brutally random, because it relies on variables I don’t control, or barely control. What strikes me every time is the extreme loneliness we feel when we go through this. So, yes sorry this is just another ordinary story, but it’s a reminder that we’re not the only ones experiencing this. We’re not alone in living a social life just like everyone else but with an added weight we carry—a burden that we drag along. Yet, we’re millions who experience it, silently, with an explosive minds, with powerless words, and that deep frustration of not being able to do what everyone else seems to do so easily. The mind of a stutterer is filled with countless useless and painful memories like this. These problems are very real, yet they exist only in our heads. Take care of yourselves, keep fighting in your parallel reality that you share with more people than you think, and live your life without ever stopping the struggle!