Some thoughts while reflecting on stuttering.

Some thoughts while reflecting on stuttering. I know it’s a long read, but I’ve never posted here before AND I may have some insightful ideas that you can think about or comment on near the end. For the past few weeks, I’ve been very anxious about my mild stuttering. It hasn’t gotten worse, and there’s no direct reason, but I believe it’s because I’ll be graduating college a semester from now. A little background about me – I’m a 22 year old male, and a senior in college. I’ve been stuttering my whole life since I can remember, but it was only one afternoon in my freshmen year of high school that I got stuck on the letter “m” (of course) while talking with a group of friends when I suddenly became self-conscious of it. I had never felt embarrassed because of it before in my life, for whatever reason, but from that day onward, I would be aware of it. I always had some control over it, though I wasn’t sure exactly how. Sometimes, in important circumstances - such as talking to a girl I like, or giving a presentation – my brain was cooperative and let me slide by without stuttering. Although I always came very close (and still do). But I always stuttered horrifically around my parents, my siblings, and my close friends. What I assumed was that somehow when I was nervous or very self-conscious about stuttering, I got a little helping hand from somewhere. It was only when I was very comfortable around the other person and didn’t particularly care what they thought that my stuttering would get severe. Right now, I’m almost done with college, having majored in Economics and Statistics with a 3.5 GPA, multiple awards, and job offers upon graduation. I’ve kept my stuttering at bay when necessary over the years through jobs, classes, relationships, etc., but with real life coming at me full-steam ahead with a career that will require speaking almost constantly with new people, I’ve been anxious. Okay, so here’s the good part. My findings. What I’ve learned having reflected on my stuttering behaviors for just the past few days. They’re still brand new and circling in my head so I can try and deduce some useful knowledge from them. Hopefully you can as well. Times when I stutter- - When I don’t know what I’m saying. Right before typing this, I went into a business meeting with two people I had never met. They asked me what kind of project I was working on. I responded with “big-picture”, abstract, sort of aimless dialogue, as even I didn’t know exactly how to describe it. I could barely get my words out and had to swap certain words multiple times to avoid stuttering. BUT, when asked how I performed a certain task in the project (a simple two-step process) I spit the words right out – confidently and smoothly. Why? Was it because I knew the beginning and end of my thought/sentence? Was it because I could visualize the problem and solution in my head? Was it because I was confident in delivery? I don’t know. But I thought it was interesting. The ONLY times I’ve had serious stutters in formal settings have been in interviews when I’m asked to “describe a time…”. Perhaps it’s the ambiguity of the answer and how I don’t have it formed in my thoughts correctly that make me trip up? - Telling jokes or stories. This is sort of an interesting one because like what was mentioned previously, I feel like when I can see the whole thought in my head, I can get through it easier. This should be the same for telling stories, but it’s not. Maybe it’s the fact that although I know *what* I want to say, I don’t yet know *how exactly* I’ll say it until the last sentence ends. - If I’m very amped up or excited about something, I feel like I’m more prone to stuttering. Like if something just happened outside that I saw and was trying to inform a friend of, I’ll probably have a difficult time retelling it. Okay, so these are some times when I stutter. Here are some times I don’t. (as much) - When I’m in a familiar frame of mind. If I’ve done it before. If someone calls at work and I need to give them instructions on how to do something online, I can tell them clearly. This probably links back to confidence as was mentioned earlier. - When I’m answering simple, short questions, or when I’m saying something that completes the conversation. For example: Coworker: “Hey do you know how to clock out of the new system?” Me: “ Did Tracy not show you? Just make a copy of the last week’s time card and submit it.” In this case, I wasn’t worried about thinking of my next response or next thought because there was none. The conversation was over. If, however, my friend asked me how my time was at the Football game last night, hello roadblocks. - If I’m drunk. Seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever stuttered while drunk, and I tell LOTS of stories and talk way too much. It feels like the blocks aren’t even present, or if they are, they’re just speed bumps that I can get past with little mental effort. - When I’m tired. Maybe my thinking is slower which helps? Not sure. - (usually) when I’m on the phone. Making hand gestures sometimes helps as well. If you’ve made it this far, I thank you. These thoughts have been floating around for a couple days now and I wanted to share them. I’ll be sure to edit this and respond to any comments as well. Please comment and let me know what you think of these, or if you've developed similar theories or relationships with when you stutter or don't. Thanks, everyone. :)