Rant: I'm 24 and I don't know what to do
Content
Rant: I'm 24 and I don't know what to do I've been stuttering since I was in first grade. Following an embarrassing and pathetic "Talent Show" We were forced to take part in, I had the joy of being paired up with an incompetent speech therapist who insisted I either Talk. Like. This. or the old "Slow down, take a deep breath, try again" which only made me more anxious and feel even more inadequate. If it's that easy, why couldn't I ever do it? I have a deeply rooted external locus of control fixated on my stuttering that has damaged every aspect of me as a person. I let people call me by the wrong name, correcting them is too hard. I let servers at restaurants bring me what they think they heard me say. Talking on the phone to people kills me. "Hi this is.. uh... Stut-Stutter_Rant" with the warm response of laughter followed by "Did'ya forget your name?" I hate having my thoughts and sentences finished. I try to plan what I'm going to say ahead of time. It doesn't help. In fact.. it makes it worse. Some words and sounds are just impossible for me and I end up modifying my own language on the spot to say something with less impact but easier to say. I even smoke cigarettes as a result of stuttering I think. It gives me a way to interact with people without having to break the ice. We already have something in common. It makes me more comfortable. Since they're smokers I can give out random names that are easy to say and have small talk that is almost fluent.. it's the only thing that makes me feel even remotely normal and I know it's a dangerous form of escapism and it's hazardous to my health. I can't do it anymore. I've picked up on the subtle social cues since I was little. I've modified my entire life and behavior to not have to inconvenience people. I can see it in their posture and facial expressions. I'm wasting their time. I could never open up to my parents because my dad was working and my mom would work herself into a depression worrying about me so it was better for me to just not say anything. I still don't trust them. They don't know how badly I've fucked up my own life trying to retain some semblance of control to avoid embarrassing myself or exposing myself to those feelings of powerlessness and complete and utter shame. All I've ever wanted to do is change for the better.